My Continued Search For Ambition
Many of my vague, sad sounding posts are due to the fact that I've lost whatever ambition I had a few years ago. I don't quite know how to get it back but I'm making an effort to put myself in a position for rediscovery (as long as I get off the wait list for this class I registered for at RISD). Anyway, the thing that I find hardest to figure out is how I ended up like this. Four years ago I wanted to take over the world. Now I don't want to leave bed if I don't have to.
I throw blame in this direction (napping) and that direction (my lifestyle) but none of it has effected me up until now. Then New York Magazine shows up in my mailbox, like it does every Wednesday, with the headline "Praise is Dangerous". Curious. I read it between drips of water from the ceiling and all the scientific data aside, I could relate. Bottom line: The more you tell a kid that they are smart, the less they try because they don't want to look not smart (I'm sure my grammar is "not smart" here).
It's unbelievably true. Not that I'm putting my lack of ambition on this, but it explains a lot. Growing up I was always told two things by many people - I'm smart and I'm skinny. My parents were never pushers and were mild cheerleaders at best. I think I tried so hard to do so many things because I wanted them to push me or be my biggest cheerleaders. Never happened. That's not saying they weren't encouraging or supportive. They just never pushed my accomplishments down my throat. They were busy with their own things (understandably) and were more or less caught off guard that I excelled. "Where did you come from?" was a common reaction to good report cards or art shows. Then I went to college...
My folks weren't in the picture as much to ground me. I let the smart comments (which weren't very hard considering the student body) get to my head and played the part of the casually cool smart girl. Everyone thought I'd be something big. The only thing big about me now is my unfortunate booty. Which leads me to my resistence to the gym. I still get the skinny comments and up until a month ago, I took it to heart and used it as my golden ticket out of the gym. But I guess that's a whole new topic in its own right.
So what happened? Did I hear too much that I'm smart and talented and can be successful that I somehow psyched myself out about not ever being successful? How does that happen? It's extremely pathetic that I do nothing to prove myself. I know I can do this or that but do I apply myself, strive for something? No. As far as I ever go, effort wise, is sending in a resume and cover letter, which seems like an exhausting process. I can blame everyone else or come up with excuses, but when it comes down to it, I don't want to look like a loser.