May 9th

Here are my thoughts about today that don't involve crying because I can't take criticism or pets.

Today is the 25th birthday of Tom Schierer. He was the first boy to ever send me a rose and a Valentine's Day card (in 8th grade) and the first penis I ever saw (totally in a non-sexual way...boy I hope my mom never reads this).

Tonight Blonde Redhead played at Paradise, which we all planned on going to.

The first Blonde Redhead album I liked...something to do with Damaged Lemons...the second song that goes "X X X, Alex, I'm you're only friend", reminds me of Alex Burns.

Alex Burns is in town and loves his mom.

Instead of seeing Blonde Redhead, like we've planned for months, Callie and I went to the dress rehearsal of "Giselle" at the Boston Ballet.

I found someone else who wants to squeal at boys in tights.

Instead of sticking around for the whole ballet, we went to KO Prime, formerly Spire, at Nine Zero Hotel.

Tonight has possibly been the furthest I've ever walked in Boston, something close to 10 blocks, which is nothing in NYC.

We ran into Cal's ex on the street which is weird.

Then we began to talk about inferiority complexes with Asian girls, hers brought upon by Braun.

After I dropped Callie off, I met Mike and Braun at the Red Fez, where I was surrounded by Persians before they got there.

Braun plans on sleeping on the couch, I plan on going to bed.

Alex Burns with a bucket of chicken from a publicity shot of the uderrated "Porn and Chicken" movie made for Comedy Central...one of his best...you get to see his bare bottom

An Open Letter to the Masses

Dear America,

Now that Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days, please stop giving her the time of day. Although she is the perfect example of how to become famous without talent, there is no reason for everyone paying attention to her.

As I've gotten older, my disdain for her has lessened but when I was 16 and Nicky was in Vogue's 100 Best Dressed, I immediately disliked this girl. I used to see her out in NY at fashiony things before she moved to LA and all i have to say is desperate. Kudos to her for gaining the ludicrous level of celebrity she has. But she is a worse accidental role model then Britney Spears 8 years ago with her faux virginity and all (sidenote: I'd be screaming from rooftops if I lost my virginity to Justin "Trousersnake" Tiberlake).

Sex tapes, "N" words, publicity stunts, lesbianisms, herpes, drunk driving and jail time, not to mention no one ever brings up the fact she was in rehab at 16 when she went to Sacred Heart, got expelled from most high schools in Manhattan, is an admitted bulimic (via her published diaries) and does drugs but no one sees to care are reasons beyond enough to not pay attention to her. She's almost as bad as my penchant for run-on sentences.

My sympathy to her if she actually has to stay in the clink and get passed around by the bulldykes for cigarettes. But she's Paris and she'll be out before you know it. Michelle Rodriguez was put in the same jail for drunk driving for 90 days and was out in 2 hours because of overcrowding. I'm sure this is all a publicity "wakeup call". Well, let it be a wake up call for everyone else to stop paying attention to her. Sorry Paris, the clock has been on 14 minutes for 4 years too long.

Truly yours,

The Whitest Girl You Know

Offensive Questions #3 & 4

1. Wasn't the Internet created to reuse other people's ideas, images, etc? How else would we get our music?

2. Wouldn't a lame artist want their work all over the place, especially if their website is all over the image?

Fuck you dude who's server won't let me use your picture with the cactus pop. It looks like a fucking dildo on a stick anyway.

This Weeks Shit List

1. Ponzu Sauce
2. 90s Night at High Line
3. Douchebags
4. Calendars
5. Paying Bills
6. Gas Prices

Happy Cinco de Mayo

As I sit here and eat Smart Puffs for breakfast, I want to remind everyone that it's Mexican Independence Day. What's that mean to me? Margaritas. Blue ones. Made by Daniel. Today is the season's inaugural roof top party at our house. Unforthch, Mike and I have to go to bootcamp in 2 hours so our concentration levels on tacos and 'dillas have to be pushed off for a few more hours. It's also a belated birthday party for Mike, who's bday was 2 days ago.

Also on this day 11 years ago was the birth of Fefe and Velveeta and my growing subversive sense of humor. F+V was a sketch comedy skit thought up by my friends Brianne and Kyla while at my house. We had a video camera and my mom's old bridesmaid dresses. Comedy ensued. I don't think we fully grasped the idea of homosexuality at the tender age of 13 (remember, I'm suburban), but basically it was Bri and Kyla running around in costume, screaming in weird voices while playing these characters, who fell in love. There were 3 or 4 tapes made, including one where Bamirfa (played by the now-fat "Kym") is introduced at a resort pool (a.k.a. my parent's aboveground pool) and Fefe (Brianne, I think?) has an affair with her. The series was so popular, it became a comic strip in our school newspaper. Just imagine if YouTube was around in those days! In the reality, everyone involved grew up to be relatively heterosexual, resulting in children, high number of sex partners for a fat girl and hot boyfriends.

P.S. Is that a cactus pop the cartoon above is eating?